He doesn’t care anymore. That’s a bitter thing to digest. He’s
not the same person anymore. Like he used to be. Digest that. Even you still
with him now, no point. You are just in love with the idea of him, or maybe
just love the old him. Better off like this. This is the best decision. Time is
the best healer, I will go through this. And this will just my another thing.
One day, this hurt will gone. Or maybe not gone, I will get immune and live
life as it is.
I will obsessed about it until there’s nothing left to
obsess about. I will get you out my system. I will be at peace. I will remember
this pain. because I believe I will feel love again, but I will never feel this
pain again. Pain to be left. Pain to beg for love. I don’t want to know about
you anymore. You’re happy? Good for you. You’re in deep pain? that’s not my
business anymore. I want to forget you but not this pain. I will be at peace
one day, I will finally let you go freely.
You know what is sad? We can work on this together, if you
want to. You poured your heart out to your so called friends and they gave you
idea. You just cannot say no to your friends. When I said your friends are
jealous of you, you wouldn’t believe me. They’re now will be very happy to see
you in pain. No other woman can love them like I loved you. You wasted me. Your
lost. I’m not losing anything, just need a little more time to rise again.
I see you’re not in pain. I see. It hurts me seeing you happy without me. Maybe
we’re just not meant together. I will go. I will forget you, but this pain will
remain forever. Maybe in few days come I will write about hoping you come back,
or a sneak peak of scene I wish could happen or have happened in the past. I
have so many free time now. I will write, until nothing left to write. Until I find
content again. With myself. Like I used to be. When I was with you
I will not give you the satisfaction of seeing me in pain. I
don’t even want to shove my happiness (if any) to your fucking face too. You’re
dead to me. I will win this break up. I will rise , taller and better. I will
work on my fucking hot body. You will be in pain forever for putting me through
all these. Fuck you. Days of longing you
to come back for me are over. I wont forget this pain. This will be forever in
me.
This roller coasters of feelings is so hard for me. One
moment I’m feeling ok, then I come full with rages, then come time I miss him
so much and he deserve the peace he needed.
You must be very tired with me. Without me around, I hope
you getting the rest you much needed. Even when I know when I gave you time,
you used that time to find for my replacement. You’re using me. You sucked the
honey out me, taste the sweetness of my innocence rose coloured lens, you
sucked it out until nothing left then you find for another solace, leaving me.
Is that fair? Is that a good thing to do honey? After everything I gave you. I
will not shut up. I want to remember this pain forever.
How is it fair for me Ya Allah. I know I deserve this but my
pain also meant a place to channel. My regrets. My stupidness. My fate. It is
valid to address.
While I’m aching , my chest hurt and sad thinking of you, you were happily
talking to her. Talking bad about me I think, on how stupid a girl can be.
Maybe even laugh, thinking you’re winning. Came to my country, suck out our money
and transfer to your poor country. Also suck the life out me. You’re cruel.
Your people are stupid, hence you never peace. Your people leave, when hard
times coming to your country, you people run. You people numb your hardness by
drinking. I am so stupid thinking I can make a life with this kind of behavior.
Straight spelling out stupid. Yes, you people win that. We treated you like
humans, fighting for your right , seek protection from my country. And in
return, this is what we got.
I treated you right. I showered you with my unconditional love because you came
to me with pity. Wanted to be saved. Fuck you. This pain is never ending. I
will rant and keep continue to rant until nothing left to rant. Allah saves me.
I don’t want to remember any of this anymore. Not the so called love, not the
affection, not the time spent. I hate you. I fucking hate you.
Can I work on us?
Stop asking so many questions. Don’t be jealous. Try to change and be happy.
Talk to Allah a lot. Don’t try too hard. Be content with yourself. Manifest. Be
the best version of yourself. Get sleep. Not eat anything, that’s a bright
side. Pray that Allah open his heart to accept Islam. He’s drinking. Don’t be
too happy when he replied and too sad when he’s away. Please put yourself
first. Be happy, be content on your own. Love him. Find yourself back.
Journaling. Don’t be crazy. And expect to burn down, burn out but please
collect back the pieces. Should I be slave to my emotions? Ask allah to help
you with your emotions, remember that Allah capable of every single thing. And don’t
expect too much. Expect nothing. Maybe I can move on. Maybe I should move on.
This budding romance is hard. Please help me Ya Allah.
Live in this life as it is.
…
Ya Allah, I still hope there’s light for us to be together.
I know this journey isn’t linear. Can I still hope that we can be together? I’m
not asking him, I’m asking You Ya Allah. I don’t want to get hurt. And I don’t want
to get lonely too. My current plan is to perform ibadah more often, I know that
I neglected ibadah so many times and not being whole hearted doing. I was drown
in sins. Forgive me Ya Allah. Thank you for this love feelings. I deserve everything
ya Allah. Please help me ya allah.
