He doesn’t care anymore. That’s a bitter thing to digest. He’s
not the same person anymore. Like he used to be. Digest that. Even you still
with him now, no point. You are just in love with the idea of him, or maybe
just love the old him. Better off like this. This is the best decision. Time is
the best healer, I will go through this. And this will just my another thing.
One day, this hurt will gone. Or maybe not gone, I will get immune and live
life as it is.
I will obsessed about it until there’s nothing left to
obsess about. I will get you out my system. I will be at peace. I will remember
this pain. because I believe I will feel love again, but I will never feel this
pain again. Pain to be left. Pain to beg for love. I don’t want to know about
you anymore. You’re happy? Good for you. You’re in deep pain? that’s not my
business anymore. I want to forget you but not this pain. I will be at peace
one day, I will finally let you go freely.
You know what is sad? We can work on this together, if you
want to. You poured your heart out to your so called friends and they gave you
idea. You just cannot say no to your friends. When I said your friends are
jealous of you, you wouldn’t believe me. They’re now will be very happy to see
you in pain. No other woman can love them like I loved you. You wasted me. Your
lost. I’m not losing anything, just need a little more time to rise again.
I see you’re not in pain. I see. It hurts me seeing you happy without me. Maybe
we’re just not meant together. I will go. I will forget you, but this pain will
remain forever. Maybe in few days come I will write about hoping you come back,
or a sneak peak of scene I wish could happen or have happened in the past. I
have so many free time now. I will write, until nothing left to write. Until I find
content again. With myself. Like I used to be. When I was with you
I will not give you the satisfaction of seeing me in pain. I
don’t even want to shove my happiness (if any) to your fucking face too. You’re
dead to me. I will win this break up. I will rise , taller and better. I will
work on my fucking hot body. You will be in pain forever for putting me through
all these. Fuck you. Days of longing you
to come back for me are over. I wont forget this pain. This will be forever in
me.
This roller coasters of feelings is so hard for me. One
moment I’m feeling ok, then I come full with rages, then come time I miss him
so much and he deserve the peace he needed.
You must be very tired with me. Without me around, I hope
you getting the rest you much needed. Even when I know when I gave you time,
you used that time to find for my replacement. You’re using me. You sucked the
honey out me, taste the sweetness of my innocence rose coloured lens, you
sucked it out until nothing left then you find for another solace, leaving me.
Is that fair? Is that a good thing to do honey? After everything I gave you. I
will not shut up. I want to remember this pain forever.
How is it fair for me Ya Allah. I know I deserve this but my
pain also meant a place to channel. My regrets. My stupidness. My fate. It is
valid to address.
While I’m aching , my chest hurt and sad thinking of you, you were happily
talking to her. Talking bad about me I think, on how stupid a girl can be.
Maybe even laugh, thinking you’re winning. Came to my country, suck out our money
and transfer to your poor country. Also suck the life out me. You’re cruel.
Your people are stupid, hence you never peace. Your people leave, when hard
times coming to your country, you people run. You people numb your hardness by
drinking. I am so stupid thinking I can make a life with this kind of behavior.
Straight spelling out stupid. Yes, you people win that. We treated you like
humans, fighting for your right , seek protection from my country. And in
return, this is what we got.
I treated you right. I showered you with my unconditional love because you came
to me with pity. Wanted to be saved. Fuck you. This pain is never ending. I
will rant and keep continue to rant until nothing left to rant. Allah saves me.
I don’t want to remember any of this anymore. Not the so called love, not the
affection, not the time spent. I hate you. I fucking hate you.
Can I work on us?
Stop asking so many questions. Don’t be jealous. Try to change and be happy.
Talk to Allah a lot. Don’t try too hard. Be content with yourself. Manifest. Be
the best version of yourself. Get sleep. Not eat anything, that’s a bright
side. Pray that Allah open his heart to accept Islam. He’s drinking. Don’t be
too happy when he replied and too sad when he’s away. Please put yourself
first. Be happy, be content on your own. Love him. Find yourself back.
Journaling. Don’t be crazy. And expect to burn down, burn out but please
collect back the pieces. Should I be slave to my emotions? Ask allah to help
you with your emotions, remember that Allah capable of every single thing. And don’t
expect too much. Expect nothing. Maybe I can move on. Maybe I should move on.
This budding romance is hard. Please help me Ya Allah.
Live in this life as it is.
…
Ya Allah, I still hope there’s light for us to be together.
I know this journey isn’t linear. Can I still hope that we can be together? I’m
not asking him, I’m asking You Ya Allah. I don’t want to get hurt. And I don’t want
to get lonely too. My current plan is to perform ibadah more often, I know that
I neglected ibadah so many times and not being whole hearted doing. I was drown
in sins. Forgive me Ya Allah. Thank you for this love feelings. I deserve everything
ya Allah. Please help me ya allah.
Time slows down when you’re in pain.
I have so many thoughts. I don’t know I want write it down
or just let it be. So many memories. I want to forever in that time loop. Being
loved by you is the best thing that ever happened to me. I miss you.
I’m out of breath, time by time. If you cope losing me with being
drunk and sex, and another love, wishing you die soon. While I sit here,
drinking coffee, sit with the pain just to know it cuts deeper every day. i’m
catching my death, thinking about you. Living in my delusional world filled with
our memories. I don’t want to forget you, even when it ruins me. People said
everyone deserves happiness. I don’t want another happiness cuz it will bleed
just like now. That’s it.
Sad hard beautiful tragic love.
If I choose to be happy and be with him, I will break a lot
hearts. My mom, my sister , my family. Everyone will look down me. But not
being with him hurts so bad. I love him so much. In my next whatever, I want to
be with him. I want to go to heaven, I want to be with him.
This is jihad. Choosing my family instead of my own
happiness. This is hard. So hard.
Still hurt so bad. I’m short of breath. Not enough oxygen
coming in and out. My heart string ngilu. Hope gone, day by day. And we will be
stranger again. Love is not enough in this world.
I don’t want to eat. I don’t want energy. I don’t wanna get mad. I don’t want
that energy. Let me sunk in this pain forever. Do nothing, just catching my
death day by day.
Alhamdulillah, rasa ok balik ya Allah. Terima kasih. Bantu lah aku Ya Allah. Please protect me Ya Allah. Please protect Min. I know love alone is not enough, buka kan lah hati min thant untuk menerima Islam Ya Allah. Dengan bantuan Mu yang maha Kuasa Ya Allah, aku yakin Kau boleh membantu aku. Jadikanlah dia jodohku yang terbaik. I know that this takes a lot of work but I want to work on us Ya Allah. Berilah Min Thant kesedaran. Is this obsession Ya Allah? Am I obsessed. I want us to work Ya Allah. Please make us together and bless us Ya Allah. Please Ya Allah. You’ve been too kind to me, please Ya Allah, I need more kindness. Help me with my overthinking and over analyzing. I want to focus with my life and my ibadah. Only You can help me Ya Allah.
Don’t give up, You can do it day by day.
Did some force take you because I didn’t pray enough?
……
It’s only 9.18am but I feel like forever. Time goes slow when you’re in deep pain.
Even chat gpt don’t have answer for that.
It’s like I’ve been sad forever, but the fact that it’s only been 2 days.
What should I do Ya Allah.
\
Still hurt so bad. I want to focus on my work and healing. I
don’t know what to do ya allah. It hurts so bad for me. Hurt me to see him that
way too. But I cant keep helping him aint i. I will just disturb the healing
process. Maybe I don’t want us to heal, I want us together. But us being
together is hard. Us being together is just mere selfish. Unfair to my mom,
family and my religion.
And us being together maybe just my idea. Because I want.
Cus he doesn’t want hard. He wants to set free from me.
I cannot be the only one to keep fight for this. It takes two to tango.
Maybe it’s time to go for good.
And love alone is not enough to be together.
This world is not meant for that. And for that, I want us to
be together in heaven. For that, I want to submit pure submission to Allah and
Allah only. This world is hard.
And I have to be strong for us both.
Time and space is needed.
I love you so much.
Let’s work hard and get things sorted.
1. Ask fai rul for Token, ETD gel cleanser, balance lipc loudy packaging and if
there more cushion foundation casing cuz we have extra bulk (is that right
thing to ask, re think)
2. prepare for l ita al is visit, take samples from R&D ,
mostly serum to complement their current range. Ask her future plan for lita
alis.
I no longer have to keep track by using calculator to keep
up with how many posts I am behind now because I know its more than 200 posts
behind. But I will never stop writing and reading. I like it but I don’t have
enough time. Gotta make time.
Almost a year since the first post, as well as the title of
this blog.1st of March 2023. Now it’s heading to !st of March 2024.
Gotta list the things that I’m proud of, my achievements and everything. One
certain thing is I’m still struggling and blessed. And Taylor Swift have
dropped so many albums and songs ever since. And start on her world tour. She’s
a literal idol. She works so hard and passionately because that’s the things she
loves the most to do. I must copy that.
