dedication to nothing

 

It’s like I dedicate my life to this work but I’m doing good cuz I know that I always have time. Just like everything in my life now. I waste my time and not performing well. I need to improvise myself like every possible way. I always don’t have enough energy and messed up with everything. I mean look at my room. It is disastrous. I mean I have a lot of source now, Alhamdulillah but I stuck. I don’t know what to do, I am not creative at all. Is it all because I have so little energy? I mean like it’s so so lacking. I am demotivated.

speaking of that, many people looking forward to get married and I too have a lover that I love dearly. I want to be with him, living with him, everything together but we are from two different every thing and we’re not typical normal couple. If we decide to be together, there are a lot of things to deal with. This makes me sad ya Allah. If either of us decide to call off this relationship, I will be the one who devastate the most and can’t operate properly. My mental will drain and will decrease my work performance. Ya Allah give me the light Ya Allah. How can us be together. I want to follow him. I cannot afford heartbreak anymore. Please increase his love and attention to me and only me.

hurts so bad

 

Ya Allah, everyone is getting nearer somewhere. Can see the destination already and I feel like I’m away. Away from everything. Am I doing the right choice? Should I go? But sure it will hurt so much too Ya Allah. Ya Allah, I know that I’ve done a number of bad deeds when I’m with him.

The sparks gone now, when I called him today I can hear him sighing like not happy. Like why she’s calling me type of sigh. Like he’s fed up of me. Like he’s bored of me. Ya Allah what should I do now? We like don’t have direction Ya Allah. It’s always me who try to keep up with this relationship, if I decide to go then he will just let go of me and probably move on with new girls and obsessions the next day. Plus, he also have a lot of coping mechanism like drinking and go to any place. He can replace me immediately. But I have to suffer loneliness again. Am I overthinking? Am I sick? Am I crazy?

Am I worried too much. Because Ya Allah, You know that I’m not strong. I’ve been this phase before and it hurts so bad.

the challenge

 Nowadays, seem like the most basic things also I’m unable to control. This is so sad that I feel like I lost control of my life again and again. The basic things like solat. And I even woke up at 2am but didn’t perform any solat, not the sunat one like tahajjud, I even missed solat isyak. The compulsory one. This is not the first time. I am sad. Because it’s like a force, bad force that stops me. Ya Allah, help me again today. I want to keep striving and trying to be better and better. Please help me Ya Allah. But again I don’t want to lose anything. Ya Allah I’m now in bad situation but you keep shower me with a lot of blessings. Thank you so much Ya Allah.

Yesterday I listened to radio on relationship with other person so that your affairs will be lighten and smooth. Ya allah. Please help me.

By today I need to deep clean my room cuz ain is sleeping in my house this Friday after concert.

Also, wash all clothes especially baju kurung from Jannah Noe that I wore for maksu reception.

Deep clean
- vacuum, rearrange, basuh cadar, lipat all tudung, kemas dalam almari

Wash clothes
- all the clothes behind door and hand wash undies

- Packing for Kedah Trip
- what to wear to concert

6.30pm-7pm : Makan and basuh baju
7pm-7.30pm : relax, mandi and solat as well as recite quran
7.30pm – 8.00pm : tudung side first
8.00pm – 8.30pm : inside wardrobe
8.30pm-8.45pm : solat isyak
8.45pm – 9.15pm : vacuum and makeup section
9.15pm – 9.30pm : jemur baju
9.30pm-10pm : bawa masuk drawer and kemas
10pm- 11pm : watch bunga aku tunggu while mandi during advertisement

 

This is a challenge bobby. You need to do this! 

the apple cider

 

Yesterday my mom said to me that I have been ditching work out for too long. Since Ramadhan, which means almost 3 months. However I proudly claimed that I’m not gaining weight but this morning I weighed myself and I’ve been gaining 1 kg. Ha ha ha. Then I worked out for 5 minutes but it hurts so badly. Maybe I need to start jog again. The timing now also just nice since subuh now is early, around 5.50am. It’s also means that I can start waking up early and performing tahajjud.

Since my mom pointed that out so last night before sleep I drank apple cider juice. Then my sister asked me what the benefits of apple cider are. I don’t know how to answer her. I’ve been autopilot for a long time and not putting and thoughts on my routine.

The benefits of Apple Cider

1. Whitens teeth

2. trigger weight loss

3. Controls blood sugar

4. Treats constipation
5. Conditions the hair
6. Creates radiant skin
7. Gets rid of legs cramp
8. Helps with cough and colds
9. Fights infection
10. Lowers Blood cholesterol
11. Curbs hiccups
12. Increases energy
13. Fades bruises
14. Eases sore throat
15. May reduce bloating and indigestion

time loop

 

Love is literally driving me crazy, not sure whether this is love anymore. Is it obsession or the extreme need to control someone. I don’t even know why I’m like this. I literally turning into a monstrous figure of girlfriend. I hate the fact that XY species like to see another XX species even when they have their own XX. I am jealous. Like super jealous. Because I’m not too pretty and I cannot compete any other girls in this world and it’s so saddening. I feel more and more unattractive as days pass by and this is very stressing me out. At times I feel like I’m losing myself.

I miss being myself but I also miss being loved by him like before. The early stage of being in loved, wanted, craved, adore in every possible way, and the butterflies non stop tickling. I miss those feelings when he was excited to see me, missing me every day , every time, sweet gesture every now and then, his attempt to make me happy in every possible way and many more. I remember the day he bought the thank you plastic from kedai runcit, and so excited to show me, he even video called me during work as he was working night shift that time. He said that he wanted to put one thing everyday and leave at his locker for me to take. I miss those times.

I just want to stay in that time loop. Forever.

no definite destination except...........

 

The thing that I really need to immediately change about myself is that I HAVE to prioritize solat at any occasions. I always find myself delaying solat and I want to change on that about myself. Ya Allah please help me. Alhamdulillah that I am feeling quite well and my life is feel like in good pieces, but there still time that I feel left out and not doing much and use all of my potential and opportunities, that’s a fact for sure. Ya Allah help me. But please don’t make me that by You’re taking something or someone out from my life. I don’t want to lose anything anymore ya Allah. Seems like I’m not losing anything significantly can be seen with eyes but I feel like I started losing my iman and that’s make me sad that I kinda don’t feel anything. Are You hating me Ya Allah? Please help me Ya Allah. I want only good things in my life and only You can help me Ya Allah. I want to keep improving from time to time, every time till my last breath. Like I always say that there is no definite destination except death.

Alhamdulillah, I am so thankful for my mom Ya Allah. Thank you for her Ya Allah. We, no, I was planning since yesterday for roti canai but then she cancelled it cause she was thinking of having brunch instead but I have massage session that I’m looking forward with Ameera (that we got scared to , we found the place through Fave app)  then Ameera and I plan to eat Ole – Ole Bali afterwards. So I don’t want brunch, I want a simple classic Malay breakfast at local warung but mama declined, so I tantrum a bit. Then mama ordered Grabfood for me. She’s an angel Ya Allah, she deserves all the goodness in life. Thank you so much Ya Allah for her. Alfatihah to Led too. I am so lucky.
 

To do now
- eat ubat
- read blinkist
- kemas bilik
- solat dhuha and recite quran

just the right amount

 

So many cheatings now; I mean revealed ones. We never know the actual amount of cheatings that happening all around the world but with the help of widely used and easily accessed by everyone, exposing ones cheating behavior is becoming more famous. A lot of lessons to learn from each story. Just because it not happen to you (yet) doesn’t mean that it will never happen to you. Hopefully none of us ever feel being cheated on or if you ever did, pray hard for you to never go through that again.

So today’s story on Twitter is about her boyfriend slept with her friend behind her back. The son of the bitch repeatedly labelling the fat friend as nasty, smelly and all other bad description to end up actually sleep with the friend. Then I saw a tweet saying something like if your man talk bad about some girl, you need to be worried! Yes, I trust you girl! Couldn’t find that tweet but you get the point.

Be super careful girls with your own boy.

Love but just in the right amount.

Trust, just in the right amount.

Praise, just in the right amount.

Control, just in the right amount.

 

And remember that everything, everyone is just a loan from Allah SWT.