dedication to nothing

 

It’s like I dedicate my life to this work but I’m doing good cuz I know that I always have time. Just like everything in my life now. I waste my time and not performing well. I need to improvise myself like every possible way. I always don’t have enough energy and messed up with everything. I mean look at my room. It is disastrous. I mean I have a lot of source now, Alhamdulillah but I stuck. I don’t know what to do, I am not creative at all. Is it all because I have so little energy? I mean like it’s so so lacking. I am demotivated.

speaking of that, many people looking forward to get married and I too have a lover that I love dearly. I want to be with him, living with him, everything together but we are from two different every thing and we’re not typical normal couple. If we decide to be together, there are a lot of things to deal with. This makes me sad ya Allah. If either of us decide to call off this relationship, I will be the one who devastate the most and can’t operate properly. My mental will drain and will decrease my work performance. Ya Allah give me the light Ya Allah. How can us be together. I want to follow him. I cannot afford heartbreak anymore. Please increase his love and attention to me and only me.

hurts so bad

 

Ya Allah, everyone is getting nearer somewhere. Can see the destination already and I feel like I’m away. Away from everything. Am I doing the right choice? Should I go? But sure it will hurt so much too Ya Allah. Ya Allah, I know that I’ve done a number of bad deeds when I’m with him.

The sparks gone now, when I called him today I can hear him sighing like not happy. Like why she’s calling me type of sigh. Like he’s fed up of me. Like he’s bored of me. Ya Allah what should I do now? We like don’t have direction Ya Allah. It’s always me who try to keep up with this relationship, if I decide to go then he will just let go of me and probably move on with new girls and obsessions the next day. Plus, he also have a lot of coping mechanism like drinking and go to any place. He can replace me immediately. But I have to suffer loneliness again. Am I overthinking? Am I sick? Am I crazy?

Am I worried too much. Because Ya Allah, You know that I’m not strong. I’ve been this phase before and it hurts so bad.

the challenge

 Nowadays, seem like the most basic things also I’m unable to control. This is so sad that I feel like I lost control of my life again and again. The basic things like solat. And I even woke up at 2am but didn’t perform any solat, not the sunat one like tahajjud, I even missed solat isyak. The compulsory one. This is not the first time. I am sad. Because it’s like a force, bad force that stops me. Ya Allah, help me again today. I want to keep striving and trying to be better and better. Please help me Ya Allah. But again I don’t want to lose anything. Ya Allah I’m now in bad situation but you keep shower me with a lot of blessings. Thank you so much Ya Allah.

Yesterday I listened to radio on relationship with other person so that your affairs will be lighten and smooth. Ya allah. Please help me.

By today I need to deep clean my room cuz ain is sleeping in my house this Friday after concert.

Also, wash all clothes especially baju kurung from Jannah Noe that I wore for maksu reception.

Deep clean
- vacuum, rearrange, basuh cadar, lipat all tudung, kemas dalam almari

Wash clothes
- all the clothes behind door and hand wash undies

- Packing for Kedah Trip
- what to wear to concert

6.30pm-7pm : Makan and basuh baju
7pm-7.30pm : relax, mandi and solat as well as recite quran
7.30pm – 8.00pm : tudung side first
8.00pm – 8.30pm : inside wardrobe
8.30pm-8.45pm : solat isyak
8.45pm – 9.15pm : vacuum and makeup section
9.15pm – 9.30pm : jemur baju
9.30pm-10pm : bawa masuk drawer and kemas
10pm- 11pm : watch bunga aku tunggu while mandi during advertisement

 

This is a challenge bobby. You need to do this! 

the apple cider

 

Yesterday my mom said to me that I have been ditching work out for too long. Since Ramadhan, which means almost 3 months. However I proudly claimed that I’m not gaining weight but this morning I weighed myself and I’ve been gaining 1 kg. Ha ha ha. Then I worked out for 5 minutes but it hurts so badly. Maybe I need to start jog again. The timing now also just nice since subuh now is early, around 5.50am. It’s also means that I can start waking up early and performing tahajjud.

Since my mom pointed that out so last night before sleep I drank apple cider juice. Then my sister asked me what the benefits of apple cider are. I don’t know how to answer her. I’ve been autopilot for a long time and not putting and thoughts on my routine.

The benefits of Apple Cider

1. Whitens teeth

2. trigger weight loss

3. Controls blood sugar

4. Treats constipation
5. Conditions the hair
6. Creates radiant skin
7. Gets rid of legs cramp
8. Helps with cough and colds
9. Fights infection
10. Lowers Blood cholesterol
11. Curbs hiccups
12. Increases energy
13. Fades bruises
14. Eases sore throat
15. May reduce bloating and indigestion

time loop

 

Love is literally driving me crazy, not sure whether this is love anymore. Is it obsession or the extreme need to control someone. I don’t even know why I’m like this. I literally turning into a monstrous figure of girlfriend. I hate the fact that XY species like to see another XX species even when they have their own XX. I am jealous. Like super jealous. Because I’m not too pretty and I cannot compete any other girls in this world and it’s so saddening. I feel more and more unattractive as days pass by and this is very stressing me out. At times I feel like I’m losing myself.

I miss being myself but I also miss being loved by him like before. The early stage of being in loved, wanted, craved, adore in every possible way, and the butterflies non stop tickling. I miss those feelings when he was excited to see me, missing me every day , every time, sweet gesture every now and then, his attempt to make me happy in every possible way and many more. I remember the day he bought the thank you plastic from kedai runcit, and so excited to show me, he even video called me during work as he was working night shift that time. He said that he wanted to put one thing everyday and leave at his locker for me to take. I miss those times.

I just want to stay in that time loop. Forever.

no definite destination except...........

 

The thing that I really need to immediately change about myself is that I HAVE to prioritize solat at any occasions. I always find myself delaying solat and I want to change on that about myself. Ya Allah please help me. Alhamdulillah that I am feeling quite well and my life is feel like in good pieces, but there still time that I feel left out and not doing much and use all of my potential and opportunities, that’s a fact for sure. Ya Allah help me. But please don’t make me that by You’re taking something or someone out from my life. I don’t want to lose anything anymore ya Allah. Seems like I’m not losing anything significantly can be seen with eyes but I feel like I started losing my iman and that’s make me sad that I kinda don’t feel anything. Are You hating me Ya Allah? Please help me Ya Allah. I want only good things in my life and only You can help me Ya Allah. I want to keep improving from time to time, every time till my last breath. Like I always say that there is no definite destination except death.

Alhamdulillah, I am so thankful for my mom Ya Allah. Thank you for her Ya Allah. We, no, I was planning since yesterday for roti canai but then she cancelled it cause she was thinking of having brunch instead but I have massage session that I’m looking forward with Ameera (that we got scared to , we found the place through Fave app)  then Ameera and I plan to eat Ole – Ole Bali afterwards. So I don’t want brunch, I want a simple classic Malay breakfast at local warung but mama declined, so I tantrum a bit. Then mama ordered Grabfood for me. She’s an angel Ya Allah, she deserves all the goodness in life. Thank you so much Ya Allah for her. Alfatihah to Led too. I am so lucky.
 

To do now
- eat ubat
- read blinkist
- kemas bilik
- solat dhuha and recite quran

just the right amount

 

So many cheatings now; I mean revealed ones. We never know the actual amount of cheatings that happening all around the world but with the help of widely used and easily accessed by everyone, exposing ones cheating behavior is becoming more famous. A lot of lessons to learn from each story. Just because it not happen to you (yet) doesn’t mean that it will never happen to you. Hopefully none of us ever feel being cheated on or if you ever did, pray hard for you to never go through that again.

So today’s story on Twitter is about her boyfriend slept with her friend behind her back. The son of the bitch repeatedly labelling the fat friend as nasty, smelly and all other bad description to end up actually sleep with the friend. Then I saw a tweet saying something like if your man talk bad about some girl, you need to be worried! Yes, I trust you girl! Couldn’t find that tweet but you get the point.

Be super careful girls with your own boy.

Love but just in the right amount.

Trust, just in the right amount.

Praise, just in the right amount.

Control, just in the right amount.

 

And remember that everything, everyone is just a loan from Allah SWT.

the a lot of #FOMO in a post

 

Hey there, I am now officially no longer a Tiktok virgin. I’m influenced! Omg don’t know what to feel right now. I’m doing this to increase my self esteem, I always see people all over the world looking so good in their tiktok video or VTT (video tiktok); now I know that that’s all is filter. And with the right filter you will not missing out #FOMO. I’m not making my tiktok account public (yet), the only tiktok followers (minus s cus actually I only have 1 person that I allowed to follow me which is my boyfriend, and my account have 3 followers account which 2 of them is my boyfriend’s account and the other account is my other account. Maybe from now on, I want to keep my creative juice flowing and I aim to make 1 tiktok video every day. For the sake of content and again #FOMO

 

Meanwhile, I also want to be committed in my work, improve my communication skills, always up to date (#FOMO) and improve my English by writing. A lot. This is because I realize that I realized a lot by writing like this. This is a round activity. Also I feel like I’m a main character right now haha.

Bye, I need to
- throw rubbish to their room
- do some laundry
- read one blinkist ; I’m choosing Be the Love by Sarah Prout as my read today. It’s 25 minutes read, even for blinkist. Have some free leisure time so I decided to pick a longer read

You know that I am now watching a local Malay drama title Bunga Aku Tunggu . Mainly because of the main actor, Beto Kusyairy. It’s an ongoing drama and at episode 6, I now realized that it’s like loosely adaptation of Netflix series You.

okay now the posters look similar....

only good things

 

I’m a bit stressed this morning; there’s one pants that I haven’t seen , I like that pants. Another stress is that I couldn’t find my water bottle this morning! I hate when things gone missing! Like really hate it. Also, today is Friday and I always feel under the weather on Fridays. I’m not planning it, in fact I like being in the office for work. I can read, mingle around (even though not so much) and actually working. I like being healthy and be presence.

 

…..

I always feel like I’m in this movie and I’m constantly in flashback. Whenever he does or says something sweet, I would smile and feel like I’m living in a flashback because there’s a part of me knowing that we’re going to be separated one day. Ya Allah this is so sad. I want to be with him so bad, no one ever makes me feel like he does, no one ever loving me the way he does and I love him so much Ya Allah. I humbly pray to You Ya Allah, please unite us, don’t separate us and most important of all, please let him be forever good, his attitude, character and the way he treats me. Please, only good things.

of puasa 6 and loving ambiance

Alhamdulillah for so many things ya Allah. As for the most obvious one is that my commute time to work is so short since I live nearby. Many envy me for that, that’s my provision from You Ya Allah, thank you so much for that. Alhamdulillah.

I plan to fast 4 days straight next week to replace my Ramadhan fasts that I missed due to period and feeling under the weather. I am so proud of myself that I successfully completed puasa 6 last Syawal. Puasa 6 is when you fasts for 6 days in Syawal month, not necessarily straight, scattered also can. The benefit of puasa 6 is you get pahala like you fast in a year. That’s a bargain!

…….

Ya Allah, please Ya Allah I don’t want to face any heartbreaks anymore especially with my love life because it’s so hurtful and I never want to go through that phase ever again. Sure, a lot of lessons, thanks for the lessons but please not again. I pray to You Ya Allah, to make his heart only for me, for us to be together forever in loving life. I don’t want him to cheat on me or I cheat on him, don’t want to encounter with serious jealousy situation. Please Ya Allah.

blinkist and goodreads

 

I finally back on track with my reading goal on Goodreads. My goal this year is 102 books. Ya, that’a a lot right. I’m not reading the whole book, that’s the target. In fact, I’m reading Blinkist. Blinkist is an app that summarize non-fiction (mostly) books to 10-20 minutes on the go read. It extract out all the important points of the books. I like that app a lot. For non premium user, you are able to access to one free read every day. They have this feature, Blinkist of the day, they curate 1 free book everyday.

I’m on premium subscription hence I have unlimited access to all contents in the app, surely a worthy investment. For folks who work 9-5 daily (8.15am – 6.15am for me), we barely have energy left and sure a lot of basic chores (laundry, cleaning bathroom, etc) and we need to pick activities that just right. SWOT alert. Now, it’s time to utilize SWOT Analysis. Strength, Weakness, Opportunity and Threats.

This morning I read 2 books, one on clutter style and another one is on how to think effectively. I rated both books with 4 stars (my usual rate is 3-4 stars). We all have our own clutter categories.

Hangbag quest : Part 1 (follow up)

 

From now on, if I want to make a purchase I want to start surveying first and list everything out so that I will not waste a lot of money. As for now, I am eyeing for a good handbag, not too expensive of course but enough with shopee or downtown; I need a more quality handbag but I’m not yet can afford Louis Vuitton : manifesting! But for now, let’s start small.

There’s a few in my mind now like Charles & Keith, Vincci and maybe Coach. I am probably will scroll Atome, Shopback and Zalora after this to list down which one that between my budget and the one I like. I fed up with cheap handbags already, I want to look classy. Maybe even can consider shopee because some of Shopee bags also some are pricey.

So, this is a case that haven’t solved yet. There will be follow up post on this decision. I will show you what handbag I end up buying. I always end up with same style and colour of new handbags. And they look so cheap too.

I want to be more fashionable and have a sense of style. Pray for me!

the realization....

Now that I started writing on products, or anything that gonna increase my knowledge in my work area. Things that I’ve been planned since forever but don’t have enough energy to make it real. Haha.

I need to stop buying makeup especially lipsticks because I’m not good at it yet. I need to learn the real technique first before splurging too much on makeups cause one can buy the best and most expensive makeups but if one don’t know how to wear it that there’s no point.

 

I just realize that I am ugly. I never know this before, I always think that oh because I don’t have proper device, oh because I cant afford makeup yet, oh because now im studying; and yet I am over that all and I am still not pretty. Sobs.

 

I literally like really need to prioritize my beauty and look, because this look is because I haven’t try anything or in other words is LAZY. There is no other reason. Ya Allah, help me Ya Allah to be more rajin.

Even in editing pictures, need to be really rajin to edit and learn how to edit, hence I quite respect people in social media. Congratulation,  I want to be like you.

food #1

 

from madam kwan, pavilion. Stir fried beef noodle, RM27++ 

it's delicious! feel authentic nyonya cuisine. can repeat back. 

Mama cooked, sambal ikan! 

Alhamdulillah I am so grateful that I live with my mom. I love her so much. Sometimes I have issue with her cooking , how ungrateful I am for saying like this. I love my mom so much.

Today I went back during lunch since there's no water supply at office. Mama was going to her friend's open house in Bangi Avenue. The house feel so empty without her. May Allah bless my mum forever and always ease all her business. She's the best. 

reviewing , trauma

 I can see now that my main problem is I am weak at reviewing, documenting and taking lessons. It is not good of course. I can learn as much , experiencing so many things but if I am bad at documenting then there is no point. By relying everything on brain, it’s not good enough.

Why is this happening? 

Trauma.

Not blaming 100% to trauma but it is always the memories that hurt the most. I used to rely on memories before. And that hurts so bad. Due to that, I want to be a person who live in the moment. Like literally just live in the moment. In the Brightside, it is good that I am not depressed. However, I feel stupid for forgetting a lot of things. It’s just like I never learn. I don’t have time. 

I work 8.15am to 6.15pm every day, commute time is just about 30 minutes for both ways. In short, I live 10 minutes away from my office, which is such a huge blessing. Forever grateful for that. I want to work harder, I want to do more but my lack of energy and passion always cut me off. I know I’m not at my best suit now, I know I can better but I don’t know how. I am sad with myself. Ya Allah please help me Ya Allah. There are a lot of areas I want to improve myself to Ya Allah. Please help me Ya Allah, but don’t take anything from me. 

It’s like I hate revising. I just loving the idea of living In the moment. Excessively. Maybe its because I am easily distracted then at the end , nothing accomplished.